


break my heart again.

by hesitant_Jupiter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: And Jared, Angst, Boys In Love, Happy Ending, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Oops, connor just wants love, i love connor, i might make this more than two chapters idk, i promise my other fics will be better okay, kindof a lot of swearing, mentions of self harm in second chapter, no happy ending, okay I lied, oof, theyre both hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-24 18:31:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14959874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_Jupiter/pseuds/hesitant_Jupiter
Summary: connor gets hurt again. this is kinda vent, and its short. oooopsbased on the song break my heart again by finneas. the lyrics are in italics.





	1. the boys fight

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this probs sucks. i havent written a fic in forever. Also its short so sorry.

 Connor sighs as he walks out of band rehearsal, Zoe beside him. When they get in they car he shoots a text to Jared.

 

_  hey you, im just now leaving. can i come around later on this evening? _

 

       He thinks before adding another message along with the other one.

 

_ or do you need time ? _

 

       Jared’s response is a hasty “Sorry, busy 2nite.”

 

_ yes of course. thats fine. _

 

 

  * __-__



 

 

       Connor drags through the day. It feels like concrete is running through his veins rather than blood. 

 

       He was overthinking it, obviously. Jared was probably just busy. 

 

       “Or he could be lying again,” says a voice in the back of Connor’s head. He tries to shake the thought. He really does. But just the thought of Jared lying to him again sends him on a downwards spiral.

 

       After what feels like decades, the final bell rings. Connor walks home, not going home with anyone or asking for a ride.

      He spends all night thinking of Jared. Needless to say, Connor doesn't get much sleep that night.

 

  * -



 

       Connor’s eyes slowly flutter open. He groans and rolls over onto his side, grabbing his phone. He texts Jared.

 

_ hey you, good morning. im sure youre busy now, why else would you ignore me? _

 

        Except, he decides to leave the last part out. Jared probably thinks he is being clingy. 

       “He doesn't love you. He just feels bad for you.  Just like he did before, and just like everyone has,”  the voice in the back of Connor’s head just won't be quiet.

 

    Against all good decisions, Connor texts Jared again.

 

_ or do you need space? you cant help it if your mind has changed.  _

 

       Jared texts. “Hey. Can I stop by soon? We need to talk.”  

 

       Connor’s heart skips a beat.  _ Shit. _ He must’ve fucked up. He's gonna leave, just like everyone else did. The spiraling starts for the second day in a row. Connor can't stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He doesn’t know how long he just sits there, knees hugged to his chest and crying. 

 

        Connor is snapped out of this by his phone buzzing. It was from Jared.

 

       “Hey Murphy? Plan on opening the fucking door anytime soon?” Connor sighs and wipes his face off. He trudges down the stairs and opens the door.

 

       “Sorry for taking so long,” Connor says with a tired hint in his voice, “I was kind-of busy.” Jared chuckles.

 

      “Busy? Busy doing what? Crying?” Jared asks with a smirk. Connor feels a pang in his chest.

 

       “Anyways, can I come in? It's cold out here,” Jared says, not even waiting for an answer before pushing past Connor and into his living room. The house was empty, everyone else seemingly busy.

 

      “Uhm so what did you need to talk to me about?” Connor asks hesitantly.

 

      Jared’s face drops, and his posture shifts. 

       “Oh, right. Well, I think it’d be best if we broke things off,” Jared says flatly. No hinting at it at all. Like ripping off a fucking bandaid. Connor can't help it when he lets out a choked sob. 

 

      “Connor I'm sorry, I really am. I just can't keep pretending anymore. I've tried to do nothing but love you but I can't. We just aren't right for each other, and you know that,” Jared sighs and avoids eye contact. 

 

       “Jar-Jared you pro-promised that you wouldn't do it ag-again,” Connor lets out between harsh sobs. Jared laughs sadly.

 

       “Look, I know. I've been wanting to tell you this but Ifeltreallybad,” Jared rushes out nervously. Frankly, Connor is scared to find out what Jared said and doesn't ask him to repeat it.

 

        “Jared just get the FUCK out,” Connor shouts, unable to contain his rage any longer. 

 

       “Connor, please, don't get like this,” Jared pleads.

 

       “Jared you have ten seconds to get the fuck out of my house before I flip the fuck out,” Connor says, taking deep breaths. Jared stands up, but continues his protests. Connor punches the wall right next to Jared’s faces.

 

       “Get. The. Fuck. Out.” Jared doesn't need to be told again. He leaves. Connor collapses onto the floor. Shit. 

 

       “I’m s-so-sorry,” Connor says to himself. He didn't mean to be like this. He just wanted to be normal. 

 

       “FUCK YOU JARED,” Connor yells to nobody but himself.

 

_ go ahead and break my heart again. _

 

       Connor lays on the ground for the rest of the night, completely broken. He should have just kept his walls up. He may be lonely, but at least he wouldn't be lonely and broken. This happened every damn time. Once with Hansen, and now twice with fucking Jared.

 

_ leave me wondering why the hell i ever let you in. _

 

       Is Connor fucking crazy? Is he asking to much to be treated like a decent human being? Maybe he his. Or maybe Jared is. Who fucking knows anymore?

 

_ are you the definition of insanity? or am i? _

 

__ Connor loved Jared enough to go through heartbreak twice. And Jared wouldn't even give him a second thought. Fuck this. And fuck Kleinman.

 

_ oh, it must be nice to love someone who lets you break them twice _


	2. the boys make up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they make up, argue a little, and connor realizes something. tw for self harm

       It's been a week, and Connor is completely fucking broken. He is going to school even less than usual, and he hasn't gotten a single text from Jared. Connor has gone back to wearing long sleeves constantly, not allowing anyone to see how badly scarred his arms are. Some are five years old, some come from just five minutes ago. 

 

       Connor wouldn't admit it, but he was hoping one day he'd do it deep to where it was beyond repair. 

 

       After school one day, (Connor could tell because Zoe was home) Cynthia yells for Connor.

 

       “Connor! You have a guest!” she yells happily. Connor rolls his eyes at this. He really doesn't give a shit.

 

        “Tell them to come up!” Connor yells back. He really doesn't feel like getting out of bed. Recently, he hasn't been. He will just wake up and lay in bed. No eating, drinking, or even showering. He didn't see a purpose anymore. 

 

       “Where have you been, Murphy?” a familiar fake mocking voice rings through the room. He doesn’t even have to look up to know who it is.

 

       “Kleinman? I thought you wanted nothing to do with me?” Connor says, half sarcastic, half genuinely curious. Jared steps into Connor’s room, closing the door behind him, and sits at the foot of his bed.

 

       “Well, I haven't really seen you around the halls and I got worried. And can you please sit up? You just laying there is depressing the shit out of me,” Jared finishes, trying to lighten the mood. Connor shifts slightly and sits up.

 

          “ _ You  _ were worried about  _ me _ ?” Connor snorts. “Yeah fuckimg right. You probably just ‘felt bad for me’ again. Face it, Kleinman, we both know you don't give a shit about me,” Connor says, trying to sound as casual as he can. Jared’s eyes soften at this.

 

        “Connor, please, just hear me out. I know that what I did hurt you-” Jared is cut off by Connor.

 

       “No fucking duh, Jared! You can't just hurt me  _ twice _ , not talk to me for a week, and then come back begging for forgiveness. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that,” Connor yells, tears welling up in his eyes.

 

      “Connor please! I'm actually trying right now. If I really didn't give two shits about you, do you really think I'd even be here right now? I want to try again. I know this won't erase everything I've done in the past, but I really would like to try again, Connor. I just really hate seeing you like this,” Jared says , tears starting to form in his eyes. Connor already has a steady flow of tears running down his cheeks.

 

       “Jar-Jared, it's gonna be hard to forgive what you did. Hell, I don't even know if I  _ can _ forgive you. But I can try my best. I mean, after all you've done to me, I don't even trust you right now. I'm not sure if what you are saying is genuine. I know this is probably too good to be true, but fuck I miss you so much,” Connor can barely finish his statement before letting out a sob.

 

       Jared tries to grab Connor’s arm in a comforting way, but Connor flinches and recoils his arm. Jared’s eyes widen.

 

       “You did it again?” Jared asks in a sad voice. All Connor can do is look down and nod, ashamed.

 

       “A-And I already kno-know what you're thinking. I'm a disappointment, r-right? I wa-was doing so g-good, and now look at m-me,” he lets out between harsh sobs. Jared shakes his head violently.

 

       “Connor, no. I don't think any of that at all. You just hit a rough patch, that's all, okay?” Jared says softly, a tone of genuine care in his voice.

 

       “Are you comfortable showing me them? You don't have to, but I would like to see them,” Jared says. Connor still stays silent. He just rolls up his sleeves. There were so many. Some old, but most of the old ones were covered in new ones. Some were still bleeding a little. Jared looked in horror. 

 

       “C-Connor, I'm so sorry,” Jared says, even more tears falling down his face. Connor clenches his fists.

 

        “I don’t need your fucking  _ pity _ , Kleinman,” Connor growls out. 

 

        “Connor I swear it's not pity, okay. I know how this feels. I want to be able to help you so that you won't end up doing shit like this, okay? You'd think if someone wants to help you, you'd let them help you,” Jared says, starting to get angry. Connor shakes his head.

 

       “When you get hurt by people you fucking trusted, you learn to put walls up, Kleinman. How am I supposed to trust the fact that you actually want to fucking help me after everything you've done to me?” Connor is starting to get pissed off now. Jared can't just expect him to accept his help. Jared takes a few deep breaths.

 

       “Right. Sorry. I just really want to try and make this better,” Jared grabs Connor’s hand. There's a beat.

 

       “To make us better,” Jared says, making eye contact with Connor. Connor immediately looks away. This hurt too much. 

 

       “I'm willing to make this- make us- better, Jared. But I really don't think I could handle you leaving again, Jare. It's cheesy, but I need you. It's unhealthy, I know, but I'm willing to work on it. But only if you're willing to work on things as well. This can't be a one-sided again. Does that sound good?” Connor asks softly. A steady  stream of tears is still running down his cheeks. He's taken to actually looking Jared in the eye. Both of them have a sad look.

 

      “I'll work on it, Connor. I promise. I really want us to work out this time,” Jared says, looking Connor back in the eye.

 

       Connor resists the urge to close the space between the two of them.  _ It's too early for that. You haven't even forgiven him yet. Chill.  _ Connor thinks.

 

       Jared is saying something, but Connor isn't listening. He’s lost in Jared. How perfect his face is. How his nose fits him so well, and how his eyes somehow captivate his whole personality. The green and brown are like a perfect mix. It just suits him so well. Connor thinks about how no matter what Jared does, he will always come back to him. Jared never fails to put a smile on Connor’s face, despite all the tears and breakdowns he has caused. Connor freezes. 

 

_         I think I'm in love with him. What the fuck.  _ Connor just sits there, still not listening to Jared.  _ Well, that's a problem for another day. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated i will love u if u comment


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